182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Chuck Norris belives the hype.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.

Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.

Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.