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Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.

Chuck Norris divides by zero.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?