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Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. 

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris' paradise is war.

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!�

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."

Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.