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Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming. 

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it. 

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.