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Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.