Visit Free-Joke-Book.com and Get Your Copy of the 340 Page Joke Book

 

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

The real Slim Shady won't stand up because Chuck Norris broke his legs, spleen, pancreas, and the little ball in the back of his throat.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase you life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.